Step 2. Create Exclusive Forgiveness™ Marketing products successfully means making your customers think they have a problem only you can solve. We call this a USP (Unique Selling Proposition). Your religion will also need a USP. Since you’ve already instilled fear, it’s time to offer the solution, and seal the deal. Your sales pitch is Forgiveness™ from your god, and your god alone. Make sure your prospect understands that your god has a patent on Forgiveness™, and others offering it are just trying to entice them to sin, and add to the eternal damnation developed in step 1. Of course, you need a place for the customer to get your product, and here again, learn from the big buys- own your own space. Don’t rent a storefront, have your followers build you a palace.Then tell them that ForegivenessTM only comes from your store, and it only last about a week. Should your prospect wish to escape a life of eternal fire and damnation, he or she must confess all past sins and pledge total acceptance and faith in your god, each week. Only then can then ask for Forgiveness™. Your prospect is now officially a convert.

Step 3. Create Rules Now that your convert is Forgiven™, they need rules to follow. Otherwise they’d continue their sinful ways and need to be Forgiven™ all over again. Actually, that’s exactly what you want, you don’t just want believers – you want followers. A good product breaks down over time so that your customers have to keep coming back. The trick is to give them rules that border on the impossible. You and the prospect will instinctively know that these rules will be difficult to honor, so inform them to come to your building of worship at least once a week for spiritual renewal and support.

Step 4. Make a Promise Life is hard and people need something to look forward to. They need a light at the end of the tunnel. Something that will tell them that following your religion will be worth it in the end. Your religion will need to make a few promises- all good products have a promise. Wether it’s whiter teeth or fresher breath, your followers need something to be excited about. Accepting your god as their personal lord entitles your converts to exclusive favors, requests and divine loans. But more importantly, your new religion has to promise paradise for believers- an eternal climax of pleasure that will come at an hour known only to your god. Pepole prefer pleasure to punishment and eternal pleasure will make your converts feel inspired. Leave the definition sufficiently opaque to allow for individual interpretation. Be creative and ecourage your converts to visualize paradise often for reassurance.

Step 5. Make Excuses Eventually, your followers will wonder why your god has failed to make good on any of the above promises. Don’t panic. Tell them that god works in his time – not theirs. And who the hell are they anyway to question god??? Tell them that they’re playing with fire – the operative word in this instance being “fire”. Tell them that this disobendience will not be tolerated. In truth, the doubt of your converts and disbelievers is a good thing. It’s only natural. And it’s actually your key to taking your new religion worldwide.

Step 666. Make War Now that your followers are beginning to doubt, tell them that you’ve just recieved a message from your god, there are evil ones afoot and they must be stopped. Explain to tyour followers that the doubt they are feeling has been sown by the evil ones and your god has chosen them to drive the evil out of whatever part of the globe you’d like to exploit for fun and profit (you may want to consider a strategic base of operations for future actions). Explain to your followers that He now commands you to go forth into the world and bring down his mighty sword upon the heads of heathens and false prophets. Don’t forget, your new followers should do some of the killing too.

Tell them not to worry, they’ll be Forgiven™ for that later.

This is it, man. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. You finally get to see some action. Now send out the troops to bomb, rape and pillage millions of unsuspecting people across the globe. Turn some into slaves. Steal entire continents from others. Gather together the unbelievers and burn them alive so that your followers can see just how hot hell can be. When you’ve completed your crusade, bring the surviving savages under your reign and civilize them. But don’t forget to remind them that your god is one of peace, love and brotherhood. And even though you just opened an extra large can of whoop ass on everybody, they must learn to to forgive and turn the other cheek. Now go get ‘em tiger. By Ahmad Jordan

Step 1. Create Fear Let’s face it. Religion is an over-saturated market. The are thousands of gods to choose from, millions of sins and enough big-box faiths that finding a market niche is difficult. Like any upstart, take a cue from the big guys who know what they’re doing and co-opt their most successful strategy- fear-monger. Everybody has skeletons in their closet, and most people feel at least a little guilty about their thoughts and actions at times. Capitalize on this guilt, all religions use it- heck some religions even use guilt about things done long before you were born- and you should too. Don’t be shy about using this either, start a list of all the things people should feel guilty for and let them know about it. This last part is important because this list of sins will be the basis for your list of punishments.Inform your prospects that their soul is doomed. Most religions use fire and underworld imagery, but, with a enough cash a good Madison Ave. advertising firm could come up with something better. Whatever you choose though, the key word is eternal. Most people find even a few seconds of pain unbearable. The notion of eternal suffering will convince the weak minded to see things your way. Once your prospects are properly frightened with the bad news, you can now give them the good news.