This northern post-industrial wasteland known as Buffalo is finally getting with the program and spending untold tens of millions of dollars of taxpayer money on one of the biggest bait and tackle shops in the world. Like Senator “Death Penalty” Dale Volker said, years from now you’ll be telling your grandkids how Tony Masiello, Joel Giambra, and George Pataki saved us by driving us from bankruptcy and into the open arms of southern culture on the skids. You bet, bud. We sure can get there from here!

The research department at The Buffalo News was quick to issue a big ten-four to that by telling its readers that the new bass pro complex is likely to draw as many as five million visitors a year. That’s right! Five million good ol’ boys a year.

So it’s about as clear as your Grandpappy’s white lightning: five million bubbas can’t be wrong! No, sir. This here Bass Pro’s gonna save Buffalo.

Some of us are a little sick of all the negativity around here. All this pissin’ and moanin’ about libraries and such. It’s like my Daddy told me: Just remember, the sun shines on a dawg’s ass ever' now and then!

And these people putting down Joel Giambra for his red budget. Well how’re we gonna turn this into a red state without a red budget? Answer me that. Joel has been busier than a one-legged cat tryin’ to bury shit on a frozen pond. So leave him and his cousin, Jethro, I mean, Victor alone!

Speakin’ of animals and asses, we put some research of our own together to show all of them horses’asses out there who say we can’t afford a Bass Pro just how big this will be. Let’s take a gander (and I don’t mean mountain) at how Five million bubbas comin’ to Buffalo every year compares to other so-called tourist destinations.

One treehugger website says that, “Herschel Island Territorial Park and the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) in Alaska receive the largest number of visitors. Ivvavik National Park receives just over a hundred visitors per year. Vuntut National Park has received few visitors so far and numbers of one or two per year hardly show up on the graph.”

Huh? One hundred visitors a year? Now, we know that this here ANWR has more than a little Texas tea to be had but from all of the bitchin’ about ANWR that those donkey’s asses do, you’d think it was the capital of Yankeeville, or something. One hundred visitors a year, one or two visitors a year? No o-fence intended, but that’s pathetic. Put up them oil derricks and who knows, maybe those Eskimos could afford to come to Buffalo and see the biggest Bass Pro on God’s green earth.

And all these liberals’re gettin’ their knickers in a bunch over the Constitution. Did you realize that the National Constitution Center had only 321,391 visitors last year? In other words, fifteen times as many people are more interested in buying their fishin’ gear at Bass Pro in Buffalo than the Constitution of the United States. Maybe that’s because Bass Pro honors the first amendment better than any boring Constitutional Center can. After all, Bass Pro sells guns. Don’t know about you, but that makes me happier'n a carp in a septic tank!

Some of you Bills fans might have seen the new Seattle Seahawks football stadium with the skyline of the City in the background. Big deal. “In 1998 Washington ranked 14th out of the US states with 541,000 overseas visitors (excluding those from Canada and Mexico).” By my reckonin’ that’s ten times less folks than we’re gonna get here with the Bass Pro. Take that Bill Gates!

Looking at it another way, the United States gets nearly 50 million international visitors each year, so theoretically ten percent of those people could come to the Bass Pro. That’s the equivalent of five million bubbas. Hot damn!

And then there’s old Europe. No doubt they’re against us. But with things getting better every day in Iraq, they’re all probably feeling pretty foolish for second guessin’ the good ol’ USA. You might not know, for example, that Paris is the capital of France and what’s their main attraction? It’s this piss-ant little glorified outhouse that they call the Eiffel tower. How many visitors a year go to it? Only five and a half million! I can guarantee that the Bass Pro in Buffalo does better than that in its second year. Frenchies can’t fish, either I s’pose.

And to all our Canadian friends who feel so smug about the fact that twelve million people a year visit Niagara Falls, if you’re reading this article you must be shakin' like a lil' dog shittin' peach seeds. Cause you know that once the Bass Pro brings in a casino all of your attractions are gonna start to look worse than a bear’s ass sowed up with barbed wire.

Now that we’ve proven beyond a gnat’s ass of a doubt that the Bass Pro deal’s gonna save Buffalo, we need to tell off those treehuggers, some more. The Bass Pro is gonna be the jewel in our crown, shinin' like a diamond in a goats ass, so we need to clear up some disinformation about whether or not the fish in Lake Erie are safe to eat. Safe to eat? Why that thought is makin me so hungry I could eat the south end of a north bound skunk. So without any further to do here’s what the New York State Department of Health has to say about the matter:

“Due to PCB contamination, women of childbearing age, infants and children under the age of 15 are advised to eat no more than one meal per week of chinook salmon less than 19 inches, burbot, freshwater drum, lake whitefish, rock bass and yellow perch and to EAT NO MORE THAN ONE MEAL PER MONTH of all other fish from Lake Erie. Other people should eat no more than one meal per week of any Lake Erie fish species.”

Like that great lawyer Ben Matlock, did on many occasions, I rest my case. Bass Pro ain’t no good ol’ boy handout, it’s a good ‘ol boy magnet. Just like all them ribbon magnets on you see on vehicles these days, this Bass Pro’s gonna support our troops. It’s like Charley Daniels said, “Get loud and get proud, cause the south’s gonna do it agin!” Bass Pro Will Save Buffalo.

Outside of Huntin’, Chewin’ Copenhagen, and watchin’ NASCAR, there’s nothing that a real good ol’ boy enjoys more than fishin’. That’s why last week’s announcement that we got us a Bass Pro shop of our very own was as big as Robert E. Lee’s Victory at Chancellorsville in the War Between the States.